Sunday, May 7, 2017

Boys

Hi. This is gonna be short.
So let me talk about boys.
Not in general but some of the guys I had a crush on. And moved on.

1. I like this guy because he is kind, pious and stuff. He can read the quran so beautifully. He can azan so well. All that stuff. I know he knew I liked him. But what did he do? He said that my friends and I are the kind of girls who has no dignity because we curse a lot and that's not "lumrah seorang wanita yang diciptakan sopan". Yeah, true but the fuck? I don't have dignity just because I curse a lot? Whatever. After that, I have no feelings whatsoever towards him.

2. This one, I like him because suka suka. I also know he knew because I somehow kinda confessed but he didn't take the next step.  We talk occasionally but no signs of interests. So I moved on.

3, This is a senior. Maybe 3 years or 4 years older than me and I swear I expected more than him but haih. He's very kind, very rajin, a good leader but awkward as fuck. I swear this guy.... i don't know lah what to say. I showed interest but he didn't take the hint because he was clueless af and I guess he likes being single so yeah, I moved on.

4. This one broke my heart even he has nothing to do with me. Sometimes we talk, and sometimes he's just cold af. Like very mysterious. Idk how to describe him but I got played, that's all. I have a feeling he's being nice to me because I have a car. But that's just a feeling. Anyway, I moved on. I want to tell more but I've been keeping this one a secret and takut kantoi.

5. Last but definitely not least, my ex :) He was everything. He was the one who introduced me to Coldplay and I got hooked up ever since. So every time I hear The Scientist playing on the radio or anywhere, there's a bittersweet feeling creeping inside me. He was so kind, so loving. He accepted me for everything I am. He brings me to mamak to watch football matches. He once gave me a rose and I accidentally killed it because I thought that was a fake one. I loved his jokes. The way he looks at me, his black eyes gets darker and I saw the corners of his eyes wrinkles as he smiles, as if I'm the prettiest girl around even when I'm not. He made me feel safe, feel loved and worthy. But sometimes, things are just too good to be true. He found someone else, so he broke up with me. It was the most devastating and hardest thing I have to endure, but I eventually move on.

So, yeah.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

depression got me real good

Hi guys. I’m starting my second semester of my degree and I don’t know how to tell you this. I feel depressed. No, I don’t know really. It's just so frustrating. I feel so lonely and unmotivated. I'm okay when going to classes and all. I laugh with my friends, I get along, I understand the lectures (most of the time). But when I'm alone, I feel so lonely. After I finish my classes I get back to my room and just sit there. For hours and hours. I realized I have no friends to do stuff. 

Everybody has their own like... groups. You know. And I don't fit anywhere. I know this sounds petty and that's the reason why I didn't tell anyone accept to write it out here. Because I know no one actually reads but it kinda comforts me to write my feelings out. I can pretend that somebody actually listens. I don't even tweet about this. Well, sometimes I do. But not every time. 

It actually hurts because to think back, when I was doing foundation I had the time of my life. And gained some great friends. I do everything with them. And here, everything's all upside down. I don't even have a friend to go eat with. I don't have that friend that I can "weh, jom teman aku makan." Because if I ask, it'll be awkward because I'm not that close and they already have their best friends from previous institution, or their roommates or idk boyfriend maybe. And i dont want to disturb them yknow. I dont them feeling like i'm burdening them. So i just sit in my room starving. And then crying. Then fall asleep. 

It's not like I don't have any friends at all. I have many, I just don't have that special friends to do stuff with, to tell stories with, to be myself all that. I really do miss my friends. I miss my roommate back in dengkil and palam. I don't even talk to my roommate here. It's not her fault though. I'm too shy to talk to her because basically she's older than me. and i have insecurities.

I didn't talk about this to my friends. Like, my old friends. Because they are busy with their life. I know they have far more important things to worry about than my petty ass loneliness. And whenever I want to talk about this it'll just sound so clingy and desperate of attention. So I just reel my feelings deeper until I just can't feel it. 

Also I got a little bit worse when my results came out and I didn't really get the best but to me it's okay. And idk, i dont think my family are really proud of me. It's just so frustrating. Because at first, i got Computer Science and they told me to get engineering. But the truth is I love learning programming like that. So now, after I chose something I didn't want to and I got shitty results, they said they expected higher. It's not even shitty. I got 3.5! 3.5 for something you're not even passionate about, i think that's pretty good. What did they expect? I get 4,00 every semester? Well, maybe I could if yall just let me choose my life.

Idk guys. Idk what im supposed to do. Right now im crying my eyes out. i cant even see the screen clearly. sitting alone in my room, friendless. it's just so hard to keep it inside. and to wake up, go to class like nothing's really happening. i swear it just hurts but idk how to describe it. 

this is the lowest point of my life i cant even explain how. so i just keep hoping this will end soon and i'll get better eventually.

thanks for the read though.