Monday, August 15, 2016

Degree dah (Pt 2)

Ceh, siap part 2.

So the first day of depression, I cried my eyes out to sleep. That night was terrible. I cannot stop thinking. I'm not thinking properly. I didn't talk to anybody. I just keep it inside. But the next day was even worse. Like, everything was a very bad nightmare, but it's real life.

This day was the day I get to know where I'm studying for the next 4 years. And again I was out because I don't want anybody coming to my house and fuck me in the ass further (figuratively). Also again I was with my dearest friend. We were still in the 'fuck everything' mode. And suddenly we were like "let's get pizza." and suddenly we were already in dominos eating them pizzas.

I got some texts asking where's my campus. I then opened the website and again, still depressed, my heart was pumping so hard I want to puke pizza all over. I was too scared to look so I let my friend look. She said "Jasin, bitch." ..............................

I swear if I wasn't at dominos, I wouldn't be that calm. I felt like my heart just got pijak and blender and goreng and tumbuk dalam lesung batu and cincang then hidang. It's not that I don't like Jasin. I just thought I got Shah Alam. Then I got depresser (??). Then I balik rumah and cried again and again and again. And again. Then my parents ask me to buat rayuan and all. I said the rayuan was only for who didn't get anything. I sambung depress again.

At this point, I lost 2kg.
Bruh, if I knew it's this easy to lose weight, then give me upu results everyday.

That night I talked to my friends and all. I prayed to Allah to ease everything. If this is the best, then make it easier for me to redha. So the next day I redha a bit. I woke up feeling ok, kinda. I thought I'm going to nail this then buat rayuan to tukar course mechanical.

But then the anxiety and depression came crawling back.

I was stressed out. And finally I made a decision to make a surat rayuan to UTM.
I know there's small chances.
But there's no harm trying.

I asked Allah if this is the best for me then help me. If not, I'm okay with computer science.

I have never cried so much, never been so depressed, never felt so stressed out in my entire life. I was so sad. I felt like I let my parents down, my family, my sisters, everyone. Including myself. It was the most depressing 3 days of my life.


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