Monday, August 15, 2016

Degree dah

Assalamualaikum :')

It's 15th August 2016. Keputusan UPU was a week ago. Dalam seminggu penuh pahit getir suram ribut taufan tsunami semua ada. Like seriously, it's like this week wouldn't stop. And finally, I have the spirit to write today. There's a reason why. Please. Stay fucking tune.

It started exactly a week ago, 8th August 16, 12 pm. Masa tu tuhan je tahu betapa nak luluh jantung aku. Aku sendiri tak tahu apa aku nak. Idk if I really want what I chose. And about 5 thrilling seconds, the screen burst out informations. My heart skipped and my brain got all confused. If it's the Inside Out movie I don't think anyone is controlling because they're all confused af. Finally, barulah aku telan information dia bagi. I got Sains Komputer. Idk if I want it though. Masa aku isi upu tu aku fikir aku suka. Tapi bila dah dapat, aku terkenang saat-saat aku belajar engineering dari sekolah menengah. It was hard and I kinda hated it. And masa asasi I loved learning that shit. I had fun.

But bila keluar "SAINS KOMPUTER", everything just fell apart *cue lagu Let Her Go*. Only know you love maths and physics when you got computer science. I wasn't devastated at first. Because I thought I was having fun when learning computer science. I can totally nail this. But then, people were calling and asked why I got that instead of engineering. Well, I told them I got it bcs I chose it. Then......... "Sains Komputer ni susah nak dapat kerja. Ramai yang menganggur. Why u chose this? Why u didn't choose engineering? U like engineering."

At that point, I was about to hang up but I didn't bcs it's rude. But I was crying and idk what to do. That was the beginning point of my depression. After that call, I ran up and cried my shit out. I cried so hard like I've never cried before. I didn't reply anything, I didn't pick up any calls. I was so depressed. I cried and cried and cried.

Finally, when I stopped crying, I went out because I don't want people coming to my house asking if I'm okay or smearing more shit on my face. I got into the car and drove around and stopped at a playground to search for pokemons. I told my dearest friend that I was so depressed and I don't want to be home. She was depressed too so I picked her up and got ourselves ice cream and finally settled down at hutan bandar. Also, I was wearing my baju tidur and sweatpants, my friend was wearing tshirt sekolah lama and track suit. We look shitty af. Because why not?
for future reference: aku dgn my dearest friend still use 'awak kita' bcs dari sekolah rendah guna awak kita we cannot tukar. we tried. trust us. tapi masih mencarut macam haram jugaklah.

Masa kat hutan bandar, deepshit berlaku. I mean, I had the deepest conversation ever. So deep. Like ocean deep. Deeper. Earth's core deep. That deep. Tbh, kitorang sangat depressed sampai tak tahu nak buat apa. And we were like "Macam ni ke adulthood?" "Masa dapat 5A upsr kita ingatkan hidup kita akan berjaya dan terus jadi pelajar cemerlang." "Kenapa semua orang macam berjaya?" "Tak boleh ke kita duduk je atas sejadah sampai tiba masanya?" "Kerja mcd je lah sampai jadi manager." "Mungkin kita banyak dosa sebab tu tak berjaya."

Bruh, banyak lagi. But I cannot tell bcs deep af.

And suddenly, we got into 'fuck everything' mode. Tiba-tiba my friend tanya dah tgk lights out tak? And I said belum, so we drove to umall and watched it. We were like "Masuk Umall je lah. U lain tak nak kat kita."

We bought the tickets and had some spare time. So we went to tengok kucing. Kat umall ada kedai yg kita boleh tgk kucing macam johanandhiscats tu. Tapi bacin ah. And we played with Roti; a name we gave to this one white cat because muka dia penyek macam roti.

Then we watched Lights Out. Dah tu, balik. Balik sambung depress lagi. Nangis lagi. The only thing I ate that day was the ice cream when we talked deepshit at hutan bandar.

.......

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