Tuesday, February 14, 2017

depression got me real good

Hi guys. I’m starting my second semester of my degree and I don’t know how to tell you this. I feel depressed. No, I don’t know really. It's just so frustrating. I feel so lonely and unmotivated. I'm okay when going to classes and all. I laugh with my friends, I get along, I understand the lectures (most of the time). But when I'm alone, I feel so lonely. After I finish my classes I get back to my room and just sit there. For hours and hours. I realized I have no friends to do stuff. 

Everybody has their own like... groups. You know. And I don't fit anywhere. I know this sounds petty and that's the reason why I didn't tell anyone accept to write it out here. Because I know no one actually reads but it kinda comforts me to write my feelings out. I can pretend that somebody actually listens. I don't even tweet about this. Well, sometimes I do. But not every time. 

It actually hurts because to think back, when I was doing foundation I had the time of my life. And gained some great friends. I do everything with them. And here, everything's all upside down. I don't even have a friend to go eat with. I don't have that friend that I can "weh, jom teman aku makan." Because if I ask, it'll be awkward because I'm not that close and they already have their best friends from previous institution, or their roommates or idk boyfriend maybe. And i dont want to disturb them yknow. I dont them feeling like i'm burdening them. So i just sit in my room starving. And then crying. Then fall asleep. 

It's not like I don't have any friends at all. I have many, I just don't have that special friends to do stuff with, to tell stories with, to be myself all that. I really do miss my friends. I miss my roommate back in dengkil and palam. I don't even talk to my roommate here. It's not her fault though. I'm too shy to talk to her because basically she's older than me. and i have insecurities.

I didn't talk about this to my friends. Like, my old friends. Because they are busy with their life. I know they have far more important things to worry about than my petty ass loneliness. And whenever I want to talk about this it'll just sound so clingy and desperate of attention. So I just reel my feelings deeper until I just can't feel it. 

Also I got a little bit worse when my results came out and I didn't really get the best but to me it's okay. And idk, i dont think my family are really proud of me. It's just so frustrating. Because at first, i got Computer Science and they told me to get engineering. But the truth is I love learning programming like that. So now, after I chose something I didn't want to and I got shitty results, they said they expected higher. It's not even shitty. I got 3.5! 3.5 for something you're not even passionate about, i think that's pretty good. What did they expect? I get 4,00 every semester? Well, maybe I could if yall just let me choose my life.

Idk guys. Idk what im supposed to do. Right now im crying my eyes out. i cant even see the screen clearly. sitting alone in my room, friendless. it's just so hard to keep it inside. and to wake up, go to class like nothing's really happening. i swear it just hurts but idk how to describe it. 

this is the lowest point of my life i cant even explain how. so i just keep hoping this will end soon and i'll get better eventually.

thanks for the read though.

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